Category: Family

Waiting for the Waves

grief quote

Most days I don’t think about the waves. I function like a somewhat normal person and my life seems about as sane at it can for that given day. I get things done. I might have lunch with a friend or have a mini-binge watching session of a good comedy. I might even laugh. I smile. I’m content.

And then out of nowhere, in the middle of a seemingly innocent activity I am engulfed by a wave that if I’m lucky just reaches my waist and throws me a bit off balance. I’m able to steady myself, brush myself off, blink back a few tears, and quiet the ache in my heart. Other times those mini waves are not in the cards and I’m knocked off my feet. My head is under water. I’m sputtering and flailing, trying to regain my footing. I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I can’t do anything but cry.

I can’t predict when the waves will come or how overwhelming they might be. Sometimes the biggest waves flow in and out, temporarily destroying me and yet I’m able to stand quickly- all the terror and pain residing. Other times tiny waves that lap at my ankles and cause little chaos linger for days. Or vice versa.

“Grief is a normal and natural response to loss. It is originally an unlearned feeling process. Keeping grief inside increases your pain.” -Anne Grant

I lost my loved one less than six months ago. I thought I had suffered loss in my life but nothing prepared me for the magnitude of what I felt when I saw that she was gone. I knew when I entered the house that morning and no one was waiting at the top of the stairs to give me an update. I put my bag on “my” chair at the kitchen table and set down my keys and tea. I remember feeling like I was wading through something I couldn’t see as I made my way the short distance to my loved one’s room. It was the breathless crying, the sound of sorrow that floated down to greet me, that was all the confirmation I needed.

My life changed forever that morning. Although her passing was not unexpected, it wasn’t expected quite that quickly. And nothing has been the same since then. I wasn’t prepared. There was no way I could be.

I know that it won’t always be like this. The waves will calm down a little, maybe lessen in frequency. I know that this first year is the worst. And because of the timing of her passing, I expect the beginning of the second year to be a bit rocky. I am fully aware that I cannot prepare for any of it and I just need to roll with it. I am going to continue to wait for the waves, get through each day, week, month…..until I can settle into a new normal for my life. One that goes on without my precious loved one in it.

-Kat

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.”

— Edna St. Vincent Millay

 

Puppy Photo Shoot

Casey is Ari’s partner in crime, best pal, and all around great dog to have around. And because she’s almond (color of the day), she wins top billing in today’s photo a day challenge and the colors and letters challenge! Lucky for her she is also photogenic.

And just to keep her from having a hissy fit, here is our own, Ari.

ari curled up

Photo a day- pets

Colors and letters- almond

Have a great week!

-Kat

Bike Ride

“Summer will end soon enough, and childhood as well.”

– George R.R. Martin

sun dappled bike ride
Just a boy riding his bike on a sun dappled sidewalk

Although summer has come to an end, little Beej is growing up so quickly. He will be five soon and while that doesn’t seem old at all, it was only yesterday that his daddy was this age. Time can’t pass quickly enough for Beej but I want time to slow down as I savor every minute of this little boy’s life. There is something special about grandchildren that can’t be described- you need to experience it!

Photo a day- Dappled

Hope your weekend is filled with happy moments!

-Kat

 

Are You Ready?

No. I’m not. I’m a band mom. My kids played pre-game and half-time at football games. They did not play in the football games! I sat patiently in the bleachers , usually talking to other band parents or reading, until the first half finished. I would periodically check with my husband to find out how much longer he thought the current period would last. If the weather was questionable, I would check my phone repeatedly, hoping for some indication that maybe it would rain (or snow, if it was cold enough). Since I was friends with the band director, there were times that I could be found on the outside of the fence by the field reminding him that it wasn’t good for instruments to be outside in cold, drizzly weather. (He did not appreciate my friendly reminders because like me, he wasn’t a big fan of marching band either.) While I was  a fervid fan of my kids’ performances, sitting on a hard, cold bleacher for hours to strain to locate my kid play in a group of 100 other kids dressed identically and across a football field for fifteen minutes on a Friday night was not my idea of a good time. So you can just imagine my excitement when I found out that ten year old C.J. was going to play football.

football sideline

C.J. has wanted to play football for a few years now and his dream is finally coming true. Although I’m a band mom through and through, I’m happy that he is having the opportunity to do something he loves. This will be his experimental year. It will tell us whether he’s got what it takes or not. He has the drive, passion, and determination. But it will also require him to exercise patience. Lessons already learned include the importance of teamwork and what that means. He knows that he has to participate actively in practices or else the entire team suffers. In a world that seems to go overboard in being politically correct and handing out trophies just for showing up, it’s refreshing to see that these things have no place in football. C.J. is learning to work hard. And he’s learning that not everyone is in the starting lineup and that he might spend some time in reserve.

In the end, whether or not he decides to play again next year, I think this will be a great experience for C.J. And on the bright side, he begins band in two weeks so if I can just make it through football season, there is light at the end of the tunnel in the form of band rehearsals and concerts and the joy of those early splats and blares that only a beginning trombone player can produce!

FOWC- Reserve

RDP- Fervid

Hope your week is off to a great start!

-Kat

 

On Kindness

“Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.”    -Scott Adams

blanket

When things are tough, it is easy to feel like you’re alone. Even surrounded by loving friends and family, feelings can become overwhelming and all consuming. That’s how it can be for me at times.

And then when I least expect it I am reminded of the wonderful, caring people in my life. Whether it’s a text checking in or a beautiful soft throw, it’s a happy feeling to know that even in most trying times, someone is out there thinking of you. (Thank you, my friend, for both! Every time I see this throw with all of those wonderful positive words on it or feel its softness, I’ll think of your kindness and friendship and know I’m not alone.)

Kindness really does have a larger impact than we ever realize. And I try to keep that in mind. In my quest to boost myself into a better place, I’m so grateful for those kind words that bolster my spirits and remind me that although I might have to do some heavy lifting on my own, I’m never truly alone.

-Kat