Nothing is perfect. Least of all me. But there have been moments, some fleeting, some lasting a bit longer. If I was to give it more than a passing thought, there are so many of these moments of perfection. But for this post for #SoCS, I’m winging it and listing those moments that pop into my head without poking, prodding or searching. This list comes in no particular order other than the order I thought of it.
The first time I held each of my children after they were born. Meeting the little beings who had been inhabiting my body for months was priceless.
Any time I listen to music my youngest, Andrew, has written, and even more perfect if he’s performing it.
The Mother’s Day that my husband planned with the kids what they thought would be my perfect day and it included going to see the movie Ella Enchanted. (It was a good day.)
The Mother’s Day my husband took me away from my kids and we went to see my favorite team play. (It was also a good day.)
When Kris was in middle school, they had to write a paper about someone who had majorly influenced their life. I suggested a few different teachers that had been so supportive of Kris over the years and Kris led me to believe that they were writing about one of them. The feeling when they handed me the finished paper and I realized Kris had written about me is one I will never forget.
My husband telling me that we WILL be going to Disney World this summer- without a doubt. We were slated to go in 2020 and when we hit 2022 and Covid was still around I was beginning to feel hopeless.
And while on the subject of Disney, one of my most perfect memories from our last trip (8 years ago) was my adult children and husband still humoring me and going on my three required rides in the Magic Kingdom. This is a tradition that I’m hoping we will be repeating in a few months!
The look on our dog, Ari’s face when I found her at the shelter. It was a kind of, ‘I’ve been waiting for you!’ When we went into a room to get acquainted I sat on the floor, she walked up to me, curled up in my lap and fell asleep.
Walking into the hospital nursery and laying eyes on baby Beej for the first time. I had no way of knowing how different our relationship would be than any other I’ve had with a child. Eight years plus into our grandmother/grandson relationship and our bond grows tighter each passing year.
Any time I see my three grown children laughing together.
Hearing my Dad sing
Gosh, it seems like I’ve turned on a faucet that keeps pouring out memories that mean so much to me. I’m glad I was able to capture them before they vanish in the busyness of daily life. It tells me one sure thing. I am truly blessed.
I hope that one day my children will realize how much I love them. I hope they know that I’ve only wanted the very best for them. My parents were imperfect people but there has never been a day in my life when I ever doubted their love. I hope my kids can find it in their hearts to let go of all the damage I might have done while trying to be the best mom I could.
I guess I didn’t think that after parenting for 30 years that I could feel like I did it all wrong. They aren’t bad people. In fact, I think they are pretty awesome. But there are times when I think one or two of them might feel they survived despite my parenting- not as a result of it.
If I try to help, I’m interfering. If I give them space, I’m abandoning them. If I ask too many questions, I’m being nosy and if I wait for them to come to me, I’m ignoring them. And I can’t show emotions….nope, don’t get me started on that one.
I hope this is all just me beating myself up over something that has nothing to do with me.
It’s not easier when they grow up. Especially while experiencing major life events during a pandemic. (And being their parent during this time isn’t a walk in the park either!)
The bottom line is-
I love my kids more than anything in the world.
I will do anything and everything I can do to help them.
I think they are amazing human beings- kind, generous and funny.
I have found that as we passed the one year mark of pandemic togetherness that more than anything I crave my alone time. It’s a yearning so strong that it makes me ache. As Facebook memories show up reminding me of those early days of lockdown, they seem so distant. And really familiar. A year ago I wasn’t able to wrap my head around the possibility of what was happening. It was frightening. And stressful. One of the few comforts was knowing that it wasn’t only me. Everyone was struggling to find their footing in time when had found their life turned on its side.
I thought I did a fairly decent job of adapting to a new normal that included less contact with the outside world (which I embraced) and more contact within my safe bubble (which was good too until it began to get old). As time passed it became easier to see where people fell and anti-maskers and guideline breakers revealed themselves. It was disheartening to see who did not practice safety measures but were the first to complain often and loudly how things had to get back to normal. It still makes me angry. The numbers in our area (and probably many other areas as well) would have dropped drastically if people had just done what they were being asked. Instead the very people causing things to drag on were making life miserable for everyone else as well as themselves.
As the country and the world are attempting to open up, every location in a slightly different stage, I’m not looking forward to it. I’m finding that I’m more calm when I’m at home. And I can only re-charge when I have plenty of solitary time. After a year here with my bubble people, I find it difficult to block out the sound of them in the house. Usually this would be the opposite for me and I would be subconsciously redirecting their presence to background noise when needed. Now it feels as if I hear everything. I’ve come to realize that my bubble has become the outside world that I would come home to block out. There’s been a shift and while I struggle to deal with it, I find myself searching for patience that has been used up for far too long now. We are all in this together and I keep that thought in the forefront of my mind as I work through this latest realization.
I’m cautiously hopeful as I watch my Facebook feed fill with posts about first and second vaccinations. I’m happy for those who are vaccinated, especially because they seem to have a sort of lightheartedness and hopefulness that I have yet to feel. I am relieved and blessed that everyone in my family has either been fully vaccinated or have had their first dose with the second on the horizon. I’m the last person in my family standing – still unvaccinated for now. Being in the last group…the biggest group…. the everyone else in the world group, I know that my turn is coming and it’s coming sooner than originally projected.
We still have a ways to go before things will get back to a normal that feels anything like the old normal. And in our house, we won’t be rushing out to eat in restaurants or gather in large groups any time in the near future. We will be playing it safe for the time being. But we are hopeful for that time to come when we feel comfortable and until then, if you can’t find me, I’m probably hiding in some room with the door locked trying to find some down time.
This week’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday prompt is “in the corner” and after a firm talking to and kick in the pants- both to me from me- I decided to write. Writing has been a real issue for me for awhile now. Especially in this last nine months I felt a sort of lethargy fall over me at times. It’s hard to move, think, process… you name it. I feel like so much of my life, and I’m sure everyone feels this way, has been pushed into a corner while waiting out this pandemic. I know there is the mindset that we need to keep on living throughout this and I’m trying. But the not going out, not socializing, being at home with people ALWAYS there is getting to me. And the people just going out living their lives with blatant dismissal of restrictions and complete disregard for the safety and well-being of others are making me really mad. But enough about that….
In the corner. The first thing that pops into my head is the iconic line from a movie I love. Not going to say it. If you know it, you know it. If not, does it matter? Not really for the point of this post. The movie that comes to mind reminds me of other movies from that year- 1987 to be exact- and this makes me think about Rob Lowe’s podcast that I listened to yesterday. His guest was actor Michael J. Fox and movies from the late 80’s came up in conversation. I’ve enjoyed Rob’s podcast for a few reasons. First, I’ve always had a secret girl crush on him that dates back to discovering him in the movie The Outsiders. I’ll admit it was completely superficial. I always thought he was so darn cute and still is! Next, listening to him talk to his guests he references movies, fads, a time that I remember so well. See, he’s part of a super special (only to me) club and that’s people who were born the same time (within a year or two) that I was. Melissa Gilbert was one of the first members of my club (unbeknownst to her), quickly followed by Sandra Bullock, Courtney Cox, Keanu Reeves, Robert Downey Jr., and Hank Azaria. There are more but these come to mind without doing a google search, which is obviously not stream of consciousness at all, right?
Hank Azaria is actually the newest member of the Same Age as Kat Club. I’ve been binge watching Mad About You and his character, Nat – Murray’s walker and friend- was introduced recently. Being a fan of his, I had looked up his age out of curiosity. Nat is such a unique character in a show that I truly love, but seems to be filled with characters that are stereotypes. He greets Murray with a hearty ‘Hey there, Sir!’ and I love the nicknames he gives the dog because this is something I do with our dog, Ari, all the time. I think my favorite is Murray Tyler Moore.
Well, I could go on forever on this thread, which goes to show you how burnt out I am at this point.
I’m doing a great job of ignoring the voice in my head that’s been screaming for months. What’s it saying? Ugh. I don’t even want to go there. But I’m the one bringing it up so I have no choice but to share it. “The only way to write is to write!!!” That’s what it says most of the time. But then lately it’s been interrupted by a louder, angrier voice yelling out in a booming voice that ricochets around my head- “COVER YOUR NOSE!!!” That annoying voice is my constant companion when I’m out in public. Luckily most of my face is covered by a mask so the only thing a person might see is my eyes expressing my displeasure at the voice…. and their nose being uncovered.
I’ve contemplated printing up flyers to hand to people or toss into their shopping carts politely showing them the correct way to wear their mask. I’ve considered writing in bold black sharpie “COVER YOUR F-ING NOSE” or “WEAR A MASK” on the back of my shopping list. My son, who sometimes accompanies me on these shopping trips, looks uneasy and almost anxious when I bring up my ideas. It might be the real reason he rarely comes with anymore.
But none of this has anything to do with my lack of motivation for writing. I have a bit to say but lately it’s more about the pandemic than anything else. I keep thinking that this is something I should be filling journals with and yet, I can’t write much at all.
I’m hoping this epic writer’s block hits the road soon. We are coming into the colder months and being cooped inside with my people and no motivation to write might get the best of me!!