Hopeful Thoughts

I hope that one day my children will realize how much I love them. I hope they know that I’ve only wanted the very best for them. My parents were imperfect people but there has never been a day in my life when I ever doubted their love. I hope my kids can find it in their hearts to let go of all the damage I might have done while trying to be the best mom I could. 

I guess I didn’t think that after parenting for 30 years that I could feel like I did it all wrong. They aren’t bad people. In fact, I think they are pretty awesome. But there are times when I think one or two of them might feel they survived despite my parenting- not as a result of it. 

If I try to help, I’m interfering. If I give them space, I’m abandoning them. If I ask too many questions, I’m being nosy and if I wait for them to come to me, I’m ignoring them. And I can’t show emotions….nope, don’t get me started on that one. 

I hope this is all just me beating myself up over something that has nothing to do with me. 

It’s not easier when they grow up. Especially while experiencing major life events during a pandemic. (And being their parent during this time isn’t a walk in the park either!)

The bottom line is-

I love my kids more than anything in the world. 

I will do anything and everything I can do to help them.

I think they are amazing human beings- kind, generous and funny. 

I wish them nothing but happiness and love. 

I hope they know that.

This post is in response to Linda G. Hill’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday- July 10, 2021- Hope. To find out more about this challenge click on the link or the badge at the top of this post.

Here’s hoping for better days!

-Kat

After One Year

I have found that as we passed the one year mark of pandemic togetherness that more than anything I crave my alone time. It’s a yearning so strong that it makes me ache. As Facebook memories show up reminding me of those early days of lockdown, they seem so distant. And really familiar. A year ago I wasn’t able to wrap my head around the possibility of what was happening. It was frightening. And stressful. One of the few comforts was knowing that it wasn’t only me. Everyone was struggling to find their footing in time when had found their life turned on its side.

I thought I did a fairly decent job of adapting to a new normal that included less contact with the outside world (which I embraced) and more contact within my safe bubble (which was good too until it began to get old). As time passed it became easier to see where people fell and anti-maskers and guideline breakers revealed themselves. It was disheartening to see who did not practice safety measures but were the first to complain often and loudly how things had to get back to normal. It still makes me angry. The numbers in our area (and probably many other areas as well) would have dropped drastically if people had just done what they were being asked. Instead the very people causing things to drag on were making life miserable for everyone else as well as themselves.

As the country and the world are attempting to open up, every location in a slightly different stage, I’m not looking forward to it. I’m finding that I’m more calm when I’m at home. And I can only re-charge when I have plenty of solitary time. After a year here with my bubble people, I find it difficult to block out the sound of them in the house. Usually this would be the opposite for me and I would be subconsciously redirecting their presence to background noise when needed. Now it feels as if I hear everything. I’ve come to realize that my bubble has become the outside world that I would come home to block out. There’s been a shift and while I struggle to deal with it, I find myself searching for patience that has been used up for far too long now. We are all in this together and I keep that thought in the forefront of my mind as I work through this latest realization.

I’m cautiously hopeful as I watch my Facebook feed fill with posts about first and second vaccinations. I’m happy for those who are vaccinated, especially because they seem to have a sort of lightheartedness and hopefulness that I have yet to feel. I am relieved and blessed that everyone in my family has either been fully vaccinated or have had their first dose with the second on the horizon. I’m the last person in my family standing – still unvaccinated for now. Being in the last group…the biggest group…. the everyone else in the world group, I know that my turn is coming and it’s coming sooner than originally projected.

We still have a ways to go before things will get back to a normal that feels anything like the old normal. And in our house, we won’t be rushing out to eat in restaurants or gather in large groups any time in the near future. We will be playing it safe for the time being. But we are hopeful for that time to come when we feel comfortable and until then, if you can’t find me, I’m probably hiding in some room with the door locked trying to find some down time.

Fandango’s One Word Challenge- Solitary

Stream of Consciousness Saturday- starts with “cal” CALM

Stay safe

-Kat

Hey there, Sir!

This week’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday prompt is “in the corner” and after a firm talking to and kick in the pants- both to me from me- I decided to write. Writing has been a real issue for me for awhile now. Especially in this last nine months I felt a sort of lethargy fall over me at times. It’s hard to move, think, process… you name it. I feel like so much of my life, and I’m sure everyone feels this way, has been pushed into a corner while waiting out this pandemic. I know there is the mindset that we need to keep on living throughout this and I’m trying. But the not going out, not socializing, being at home with people ALWAYS there is getting to me. And the people just going out living their lives with blatant dismissal of restrictions and complete disregard for the safety and well-being of others are making me really mad. But enough about that….

In the corner. The first thing that pops into my head is the iconic line from a movie I love. Not going to say it. If you know it, you know it. If not, does it matter? Not really for the point of this post. The movie that comes to mind reminds me of other movies from that year- 1987 to be exact- and this makes me think about Rob Lowe’s podcast that I listened to yesterday. His guest was actor Michael J. Fox and movies from the late 80’s came up in conversation. I’ve enjoyed Rob’s podcast for a few reasons. First, I’ve always had a secret girl crush on him that dates back to discovering him in the movie The Outsiders. I’ll admit it was completely superficial. I always thought he was so darn cute and still is! Next, listening to him talk to his guests he references movies, fads, a time that I remember so well. See, he’s part of a super special (only to me) club and that’s people who were born the same time (within a year or two) that I was. Melissa Gilbert was one of the first members of my club (unbeknownst to her), quickly followed by Sandra Bullock, Courtney Cox, Keanu Reeves, Robert Downey Jr., and Hank Azaria. There are more but these come to mind without doing a google search, which is obviously not stream of consciousness at all, right?

Hank Azaria is actually the newest member of the Same Age as Kat Club. I’ve been binge watching Mad About You and his character, Nat – Murray’s walker and friend- was introduced recently. Being a fan of his, I had looked up his age out of curiosity. Nat is such a unique character in a show that I truly love, but seems to be filled with characters that are stereotypes. He greets Murray with a hearty ‘Hey there, Sir!’ and I love the nicknames he gives the dog because this is something I do with our dog, Ari, all the time. I think my favorite is Murray Tyler Moore.

Well, I could go on forever on this thread, which goes to show you how burnt out I am at this point.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – January 2

Stay safe!

-Kat

Finding Motivation

I’m doing a great job of ignoring the voice in my head that’s been screaming for months. What’s it saying? Ugh. I don’t even want to go there. But I’m the one bringing it up so I have no choice but to share it. “The only way to write is to write!!!” That’s what it says most of the time. But then lately it’s been interrupted by a louder, angrier voice yelling out in a booming voice that ricochets around my head- “COVER YOUR NOSE!!!” That annoying voice is my constant companion when I’m out in public. Luckily most of my face is covered by a mask so the only thing a person might see is my eyes expressing my displeasure at the voice…. and their nose being uncovered.

I’ve contemplated printing up flyers to hand to people or toss into their shopping carts politely showing them the correct way to wear their mask. I’ve considered writing in bold black sharpie “COVER YOUR F-ING NOSE” or “WEAR A MASK” on the back of my shopping list. My son, who sometimes accompanies me on these shopping trips, looks uneasy and almost anxious when I bring up my ideas. It might be the real reason he rarely comes with anymore.

But none of this has anything to do with my lack of motivation for writing. I have a bit to say but lately it’s more about the pandemic than anything else. I keep thinking that this is something I should be filling journals with and yet, I can’t write much at all.

I’m hoping this epic writer’s block hits the road soon. We are coming into the colder months and being cooped inside with my people and no motivation to write might get the best of me!!

Stream of Consciousness Saturday- -tion

Stay safe!

-Kat

E is for Elphaba

elphaba wicked“However in the world did her skin come green?” Nanny wondered, stupidly, for Melena blanched and Frex reddened, and the baby held her breath as if trying to turn blue to please them all. Nanny had to slap her to make her breath again.”
― Gregory Maguire, Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West

And so we meet Elphaba, the baby girl who would grow up to be the Wicked Witch of the West.

Why this quote of all the options I had? It’s simple. It jumped out at me. “-and the baby held her breath as if trying to turn blue to please them all.” To me, it offered a stark contrast to the question “Are people born wicked?” which is a theme throughout the book. From the time she was born, this green skinned girl had to fight for things that were a given for others. I’ve heard the word- misunderstood- used to describe Elphaba and it couldn’t be more accurate. Throughout the book, the reader is shown that she wasn’t truly born wicked. More often than not her actions were misunderstood. But she never gave up- not even when she thought she had given up. This is one of the qualities I like best about Elphaba. Despite her weaknesses, she was stronger than she could ever imagine herself to be. And I believe that her wickedness was born out of necessity to survive in a world that was determined to see her as wicked.

I don’t remember being overly curious about why the Wicked Witch was wicked in the Wizard of Oz. Being one of my favorite movies from childhood, I watched it endless times but accepted that in most stories, there’s a villain and in this one it is the witch.

If you haven’t read the book, have no desire to, and love the musical, it’s all good. If you grew up with the movie and want it to stay sacred, that’s good too. Or if you’re like me and want to turn the movie, book and musical into a joint effort, overview, collection, I’m not sure of a clearer picture of what the whole story could be, that’s an option, too.

I’m terribly behind in the A to Z Challenge- Obviously. When I began this post this morning I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say about Elphaba. I had chosen a handful of quotes and my plan was to see if any one quote stood out. I can tell you that it wasn’t until I saw that the SoCS was ‘joint’ that it all seemed to come together….well sort of.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday- Joint

#AtoZChallenge

Happy Saturday!

-Kat