As I’m typing this post, I hear a sound from somewhere nearby. The first thought that crosses my mind is that it is my little two year old buddy. He has been my constant companion for days now but it’s not him I hear. He is with his parents this morning. My second thought, which quickly follows the first, is that Andrew is moving around upstairs. But no, my son is safely up in the air, en route to sunny California. Ari sleeps soundly on her pillow, not even an ear twitch. Then I realize that the sound was probably much farther away, having been heard through an open window in my house. And more importantly, I realize that I’m alone.
For the first time in over two months, I am in my house all alone (save Ari, of course). Finding the time and privacy to write has been a challenge. The combination of a constant presence of other people and the lack of a place to go (due to work being done around the house) has resulted in my lack of writing. I love my family and the work needs to be done but boy, do I need some time with no one around so I can just sit and let the words do whatever they want.
But there is more in play than just a lack of private space/time to write.
“I’m a very private person. I find it very daunting to have to give private parts of myself away to people, you know?” –-Emily Browning
When I began this post, over a month ago, it was inspired from two conversations I had with people I am close with. Although both delivered their messages quite differently, I was surprised to hear the same thing from both. What it boiled down to was that since I preferred to not share my blog with them, the reason was because I was keeping something secret from them, hiding parts of myself from them.
Their perception gave me pause. It triggered two different responses in me. One was defensiveness. I felt that I had to explain myself but I couldn’t give a complete explanation. Is that confusing? Let me see if I can clarify it- if someone who really knows me were to read my blog, they would not find out anything new about me. There is nothing written here that I haven’t said to the closest people in my life time and time again. (And I did explain this part to both people.) What I couldn’t say was that one of the reasons (and there are many) that I don’t want people I know in my day to day life reading what I write is because I don’t want to hear what they have to say about it. Now, before you rush to say that you are sure they would be very kind and never criticize my writing, let me tell you that is the exact reason why I don’t want them to read it. I want the sincere response of people who are reading what Kat writes. If they choose to comment, that tells me what I might want to know. I don’t want to hear from people I know patting me on the back and complimenting me because they know how hard it was for me to have them read my writing and they want to be encouraging. Okay, maybe I sound slightly nuts about right now, but that’s the truth. It’s not the only reason but it’s a biggie.
Then there is the second response triggered. This was a comment thrown out in anger? possibly- “Well, you know I could find your blog if I wanted to.” And that is why I have not tried harder to secure time to write. Because I was well aware of this small fact. To be completely honest with you, for days I was frozen with my mind racing wildly from one thought to another, trying to decide whether I should delete everything from my computer after transferring it to completely different location along with deleting Dandelion Fuzz and starting fresh under a new name all around. Yup, fight or flight was set into motion. And if I didn’t sound nuts before, I’m pretty sure I do now.
Here’s the thing. Privacy is a big deal to me. And my writing means everything to me. I am so protective of my words. When I started thinking about writing a blog, I thought about it for a long time. Then I created a blog under a different name but didn’t publish it. After that I started thinking about it again and researched which platform to use. When I finally created this blog, it began as just my name. Dandelion Fuzz didn’t get its name until I participated in the Blogging U classes. Needless to say, it took me many years to get to this point. Pursuing my dream of writing has been a very slow process. It has forced me to step out of my comfort zone but it has been a good thing.
So I need privacy to write. It’s imperative that I have a private space where I feel safe and uninterrupted to write. Also, I need the emotional space and freedom to write without fear of someone lurking in the corner trying to discover something about me. If you know me…..really know me., then you already know me and you also already know that this is not the way to find out something you might not know because the loss of my trust threatens the ease in which I might share things in the future.
I understand their curiosity but I am hopeful that the integrity of our relationships will be more important than snooping to realize that I wasn’t hiding a thing. And going back to the Emily Browning quote above- any private parts that I have not shared with someone are not going to be shared on a public blog.
As for the future of Dandelion Fuzz? I do want to hold on to it. I don’t want to start over again. I guess that remains to be seen.
What are your thoughts? Am I too paranoid? Or nuts?
Have a good one!