I’m doing a great job of ignoring the voice in my head that’s been screaming for months. What’s it saying? Ugh. I don’t even want to go there. But I’m the one bringing it up so I have no choice but to share it. “The only way to write is to write!!!” That’s what it says most of the time. But then lately it’s been interrupted by a louder, angrier voice yelling out in a booming voice that ricochets around my head- “COVER YOUR NOSE!!!” That annoying voice is my constant companion when I’m out in public. Luckily most of my face is covered by a mask so the only thing a person might see is my eyes expressing my displeasure at the voice…. and their nose being uncovered.
I’ve contemplated printing up flyers to hand to people or toss into their shopping carts politely showing them the correct way to wear their mask. I’ve considered writing in bold black sharpie “COVER YOUR F-ING NOSE” or “WEAR A MASK” on the back of my shopping list. My son, who sometimes accompanies me on these shopping trips, looks uneasy and almost anxious when I bring up my ideas. It might be the real reason he rarely comes with anymore.
But none of this has anything to do with my lack of motivation for writing. I have a bit to say but lately it’s more about the pandemic than anything else. I keep thinking that this is something I should be filling journals with and yet, I can’t write much at all.
I’m hoping this epic writer’s block hits the road soon. We are coming into the colder months and being cooped inside with my people and no motivation to write might get the best of me!!
I blinked and it was gone. The month. Which is pretty hilarious considering time has slowed down so much it’s ridiculous. I’m fairly certain that each day has doubled in hours, if not more. I clearly remember the last day life felt normal. March 13th. Yes, Friday the 13th. I guess I should have taken that as a sign! And I know where the month of May went. It was consumed by that all too familiar thief of the times- The Virus. I can just picture it in my head…. like a secret agent complete with dark glasses, trench coat, dark hat pulled low over his forehead sneaking in the steal away with the month of May tucked under his arm.
After that day, while restrictions piled up on a daily, if not even more often, basis, normal everyday life just slipped away. In those early days I battled with anxiety in a way I had never experienced in my life. Luckily I got that under control and these days although it creeps up on my from time to time, I’m usually able to get a lid on it.
The thing is, I understood the need for the restrictions. They were for our own good. To keep us safe. To save lives. Maybe I wouldn’t die if I had it, but the at risk members of my family quite easily could. So logically I got it. Unfortunately in those early days, my anxiety did not.
In the months that have followed, I’ve discovered so many things. Here are just a few-
I learned that e-learning is the pits and I’m so glad I didn’t have to deal it with my own kids when they were in the 5-10 year age group!
It’s really easy to lose track of time. Although my month of May was stolen, I’m never sure what day of the week it is and I spend a lot of time checking the calendar, as if it’s going to shout out a message, “Welcome, Kat- today is Sunday!”
Living by Zoom meeting is a totally different experience than life before zooming.
It’s easy to get caught up in shopping online and spend, spend, spend.
If I didn’t want unexpected visitors before, I REALLY don’t want any visitors now.
I’ve never been so suspect of people that I thought I trusted. Face coverings and social distancing…. this one took me by surprise. In 2-1/2 months we have only had one person inside our house who is outside our 5 person circle. And the only house I’ve been in besides my own is my dad’s. Keeping him safe and inside (meaning not out in public) has been a challenge. (He touches everything and then his face.)
I found out what was truly essential.
My worry for the 2/3 of my kids who continued to work throughout grew in epic proportions. Both were essential workers- a first responder and store cashier.
Although my state has moved into the next Phase, I’m not ready. What little I’ve seen in the past two days causes me major concern. Face coverings and social distancing are being thrown by the wayside. For more reasons than I could list, people are desperately trying to grab onto their former lives and freedoms. I am not.
And last and most important of all-
While the world was shut down, life kept moving. There were birthdays, births, graduations, health issues, pet health issues…. some passed by with little fanfare and others will be celebrated like crazy when it truly is safe to do so.
And so, I’m saying goodbye to May and holding on to hope that June is filled with better things!
Yesterday I did a double take and turned slowly to look at the calendar. I had been looking at a note that I had written with the date said March 10th. I had a momentary lapse and couldn’t remember what month it was. Before my eyes reached the top of the calendar I knew it really was March.
And then it hit like a ton of bricks. That meant that in a few short weeks it would be April. Yes, I know what you’re thinking- well, duh!?!? All the e-mails and posts about Camp NaNoWriMo that were flooding in meant one thing- – – – the A to Z Blogging Challenge was coming! That’s how my mind works. I know it might not make sense but both take place for the month of April and they are loosely connected in my mind.
Doesn’t it just figure?? Last year I was determined to be more prepared this year. (And I’m pretty sure I had the same thought in previous years.) But it’s only the 7th of March. I have over three weeks to get my act together. I’m pulling out a notebook or journal or pad of paper and I’m getting to work. I do have a few vague ideas rolling around in my head so I need to strike while the iron is hot and the ideas haven’t rolled under the couch to mingle with the dust bunnies.
What about you- are you participating in Camp NaNoWriMo or the A to Z Challenge?
I listen intently to her story about the plushie that she desperately wanted. It was a unicorn- fresh, new, soft, sparkly and purple. I hear her describe how she felt when she saw it. Her face shows the joy and delight she felt when she relives the moment her grandmother surprised her with it. She reveals that she also received a plushie that had been her mother’s. This plushie shows signs of wear and tear and years of love. It is an puppy, with brown faded paws and flat worn fur. Before it became hers, it was kept in a box of her mother’s things. But now the old and new plushies are precious to her. They comfort her when she’s feeling lonely. With a tinge of sadness creeping around the corners of her eyes and the edges of her words, she shares that her mother died a long time ago.
Although I had suspected this, I struggle to swallow the lump in my throat that has grown from the size of a plum to that of a grapefruit in mere seconds. My heart misses a beat and I give her a tender smile.
She is only seven years old.
“I’ll silently stand in the corner and cry, on this fateful day.
I refuse to say goodbye because I don’t want to see you go away.”