Words Don’t Come Easy

“When I look at Kris, I still see a work in progress. He hasn’t found his way yet but how can he when he’s still trying to figure out who he is. He’s got a long way to go but he’ll get there in his own sweet time. And I will be there somewhere helping, watching, and loving him.” – Words Don’t Come Easy, February 11, 2015

When this was first published just over a year and a half ago, I still had so much to learn about my middle child. In the time that has passed since then, Kris has a new name ,pronouns and gender expression which more accurately fit who Kris is.

This post has always held a special place in my heart because I remember how confused I felt at the time. I held onto the hope that I wouldn’t always feel like a “jumbled mess” but alas, that feeling seems to be sticking with me.

**Update- September 2016- Kris remains a work in progress, a few steps closer to recognizing and sharing who their true self is.

I have started this post so many times I have lost count.

I can’t seem to find the words to begin and because I can’t find a beginning, I feel the words pile up in a lump in my throat, wanting to just GET OUT… and they can’t. All because of my inability to begin.

And so the words of my Writer’s Quote Wednesday quote from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland come to mind- “Begin at the beginning.”

Kris will be turning 22 years old this week and as has been custom since Michael’s first birthday, I turn towards reflection. This will be the 4th birthday since Kris came out as transgender. This one is hitting hard.

I’m not sure where this post is going to go and I promised myself that wherever it went, I would go with it- no major editing or second guessing. My inability to write or…

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10 thoughts on “Words Don’t Come Easy

  1. Kat, you have such a beautiful and emotive way of writing about your experiences that gets me right in the heart. It’s so easy to read something like this and think about how we would react in the same circumstances. But the truth is, we will never know unless we’ve lived it.
    Love your honesty and your truth and admire you greatly for both.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lily, thank you so much. This post wrote itself and I’ve learned that when the words are there, I need to let them come. In those early times of Kris’s journey it was very lonely and I think that’s the place I wrote from- thinking about what I wish I had heard during that lonely time. I know that I need to hear that I’m not the only one feeling the way I do and I think that others feel the same. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Such a heartfelt post! So many emotions and you have a right to all of them! Thanks so much for sharing your heart my dear friend! That paragraph about how” Kris is still a work in progress…..and I will be there helping, watching and loving him!” That just says it all about a true Mother’s heart! ❤ Giant hugs and love and prayers!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey Kat, I think we all feel a jumbled mess about our kids, our lives, most of the time. i think moments of compete surety and calm are few and far between in our lives. I think life just likes the chaotic stuff to keep us on our toes. I struggle with those feelings about my child too, the loss, the change, the unknown future, but I know that it is all worthwhile, and I will continue to do it forever, just to hear them say “I love you, Mum”. It is amazing what we will do for our children, and uplifting too.
    Big Hugs to you.

    Liked by 1 person

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