Family

So What?

Kat

As Kris’s hair grows longer and his gender expression becomes more feminine, people are asking “the” questions. (And if they aren’t asking in words, their expressions are.)

Did Kris change his mind?

Is he going back to being a girl?

Is he no longer transgender? 

What’s going on?

Okay, so, maybe they are asking many questions.

In answer to those questions:

No

No

No. If you aren’t sure, think double negatives here- No, he is not no longer transgender…. (Did I confuse you?)

I don’t know.

Thanks for stopping by! -Kat

…………

Just kidding. But in all seriousness, those are my answers. Except for the last one.

What’s going on? Kris remains a work in progress. When you spend your life living a certain way- in Kris’s case, living a girl’s life when you don’t necessarily feel like a girl, that is the only life you know. When Kris came out to us as transgender at 18, he only knew how to be a girl. Although we did not force him into a girl mold, society generally does a good job of that all on its own.

After transitioning and living his life as a guy, he knew that it wasn’t a good fit either. He was letting society dictate how he lived- even in the transgender community. If he was a trans guy, he felt that he had to stay on testosterone and wear a binder and look like a guy.

But he didn’t like wearing a binder most of the time and he didn’t want to take T and his feelings about top surgery were unclear. And he did not feel like a guy.

And that is how he got to this place in his journey.

He is non-binary, not really identifying as male or female but something different. It is a difficult concept for people to wrap their heads around. It was definitely easier (easier being used in the broadest sense) for people to accept him as a guy. Most don’t understand what it means to be non-binary, especially because it isn’t as simple as boy or girl. Many hold the belief that everyone is one or the other.There is no other option…. but there is. And Kris is living proof. Even if it’s hard to understand.

But that’s not the point at all. It’s all about acceptance. I was reminded of this when I was having a conversation with a friend, just trying to process it all. After sharing some of the questions I have gotten from people, my friend nodded his head thoughtfully and said, “And let’s just say that Kris decides to go back to using Kerri or feminine pronouns or both. So what? Does it change how you feel about him? Does it hurt anyone at all if Kris is Kris or Kerri or someone else?”

And the truth is it just doesn’t matter who Kris is as long as he is happy and healthy and ALIVE.

 

 

 

 

16 thoughts on “So What?”

  1. I’m a non-binary person and I feel a little pressure to be masc. Currently, I’m fine about my presentation but after transitioning, I’m gonna totally rock a suit and a sweet dress. No boobs means no barriers to me. Fuck what other people think. I’ll look swag either way.

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    1. That’s the spirit! One of my favorite things that Kris wore was to a dance last year- it was this short pink dress- totally girly all the way- with a black suit jacket, black combat style boots, make up- the perfect blend of masculine and feminine. 🙂

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  3. Was just talking to my child about tags/labels tonight. An online conversation had upset them, as people were trying to sort other people by labels. It is hard, it is confusing, (and I speak as a dinosaur) when so many different flavours are now described. All I know is that i love my child, I want them to be happy, they deserve to be happy, and I am not sure that finding the right “tag” to attach their life to is really going to help, but if that is what they need to do to understand who they are, then that is what I will support. it’s all about love – and you shouldn’t put a tag on that.

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      2. That’s why I only use gendered language for communication, then my name embodies the full extent of my gender and how I feel since language is too limited to describe it currently. It really makes me more hopeful as more words are added to the gender vocabulary and expression.

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      3. I can understand that. Kris is currently in limbo with a lot of things- pronouns/ gender marker on legal documents– they are hoping for a day when there are words to accurately represent them (as I am as well) and until then, they don’t care.

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  4. I was taking to my Spawn about the recent debate as to whether those with Apsergers are more likely to self identify as transgender, lesbian, gay, polysexual, asexual etc, and his reply was that it’s only society that puts labels on people. As an aspie, who identifies as asexual, he wonders why he should identify himself as anything other than a person in the first place. He just views people as people. If only society saw the world through the eyes of those with Aspergers.

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    1. I have to agree with him. Does it really matter if someone is one gender or another …. or another…..? And who they are attracted to or if they are attracted to anyone- no one’s business.

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  5. Hmm. M didn’t become more masculine by cutting his hair that’s been long forever. It’s just what he wanted to do at the time.

    Good answers, and good mom 🙂

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