I debated writing this post. Then I debated publishing it. Sometimes people suck. Really really suck.
I had this crazy idea last week. I am in a few Facebook groups as both the other me and Kat me. At the time that I did this, it seemed like a good idea. My logic was that I would never be able to build up a presence anywhere except here if I didn’t exist anywhere but here but as some of you already know, when you are using a pen name and don’t want to reveal it to everyone you know, it’s a bit tricky making friends. Unfortunately, I have found it difficult to make myself comment in these groups as Kat when I’m already there as me. It seems deceitful and since Kat and I are one and the same, we have identical lives which I can’t comment on as both of us…. I mean me. (Have I confused you yet?)
That brings us up to last week. I was going to blow my cover in one of my groups- I haven’t really said a word as Kat in that group so I thought it would be a good place to start. I wasn’t planning on letting the world know about the two me’s but just this one place.
And then I opened an e-mail Friday morning and KABOOM landmine.
One of my sibs who barely gives me the time of day confronted me. I was accused of slandering his and his family’s name and reputation all over Facebook and of having been doing it for years. Simply put- my posts about my little family (me, husband, kids, grandkids) and how super close we were and my posts about how awesome my best friends are and a few general comments about wishing others were more supportive was taken as me insinuating that my sibs were not supportive (due to my omitting their names when mentioning my family or friends). According to the charges- those posts resulted in multiple extended family members contacting my sibs and sharing their uninformed and mistaken assumptions made out of thin air (because none of these people ever contacted me). Are you getting that? I was ordered by this sib to apologize and admit that I was to blame.
Uhm, the problem? I have never said a word about them. If I have said that I wished some family was more supportive- that’s pretty much what I said- “I wish some family was more supportive.” And as I looked through almost 4 years of Facebook posts (which is not as nostalgic, warm and fuzzy as you might think when you see every single thing….) I saw that I might have said something like that twice or possibly 3 times- and usually in a response to a direct question. (And never referring directly to a family member by name or relationship- just general “some family” or even more vague- “some people”.)
First- I trusted the extended family in the sense that I thought these people were supportive of Kris and my family. I did not think anyone would take an omission and twist it into me claiming that my sibs weren’t supportive. Next, there was the tone of the e-mail. This was not a “let’s work this out” e-mail. I was already guilty and wasn’t going to get my say.
I asked who it was, I asked a lot of things, I got really upset because my sib automatically believed someone’s perception and blew this up into a major drama instead of simply asking me about it. I was told that sib needed to “respect the person(s) right to privacy”. And so there was my next problem- there were people I could not trust on Facebook and I had no clue who it was.
If you are on the transgender journey yourself or with a loved one, you know how important things like trust and support are. You get so many crazy versions of these things that the suggestion that someone you thought was trustworthy is not is an issue.
And just like that, in the blink of an eye, my sib made Facebook an unsafe place for me. I did not know who was friend and who was not. And because my sib just DOES NOT GET IT, he doesn’t realize what he did. The responses to my e-mails were further attacks on my character by the remaining sibs supporting sib one. Just like that I was under siege and no one would listen to me. Worst of all was that my parents, who I thought might have been coming around, were included on all the e-mails and they have remained perfectly silent throughout this. I guess maybe they have not come around… Except that my mother called twice and left a message for me to call her. So, I guess she does support us….as long as no one knows about it. (Oh, yes, that’s what we are dealing with.)
While I was doing battle with my sibs, which actually consisted of each sib launching their carefully timed attacks in e-mail form one e-mail each, then sib one just started firing and firing and firing at me while the other sibs and parents remained silent on the sidelines watching. And they were out for blood. I’m still not sure what hurt more- the cruel attack by sib one or the silence of the other sibs and parents.
I proceeded to block every family member by blood or marriage (with the exception of my kids and husband) on Facebook so I could breathe and know that if I wanted to share 50 quotes about crappy families I could do so safely without fear of repercussions or people assuming they know who it is directed at or anything. It might seem like a drastic move but everyone is connected to everyone else and I didn’t know what else to do. How do I even go about finding out who I can trust?
Well, as I have been accepting the fact that I’m on my own here, I realized that it was darn good thing that I didn’t expose myself as Kat anywhere. Can you even imagine what would happen if the sibs found out about this blog? I would probably end up being sued.
I took that e-mail as a sign that perhaps I should stay under wraps for a while longer. Meanwhile cue the crickets as I sit here waiting for sibs to respond to my e-mail……
And they’re still really ticked off that I don’t see them as being supportive. (I’m serious.)
AND, I’m still not sure if I should have written and/or published this. Boo 😦