It’s a Sign

I debated writing this post. Then I debated publishing it. Sometimes people suck. Really really suck.

I had this crazy idea last week. I am in a few Facebook groups as both the other me and Kat me. At the time that I did this, it seemed like a good idea. My logic was that I would never be able to build up a presence anywhere except here if I didn’t exist anywhere but here but as some of you already know, when you are using a pen name and don’t want to reveal it to everyone you know, it’s a bit tricky making friends. Unfortunately, I have found it difficult to make myself comment in these groups as Kat when I’m already there as me. It seems deceitful and since Kat and I are one and the same, we have identical lives which I can’t comment on as both of us…. I mean me. (Have I confused you yet?)

That brings us up to last week. I was going to blow my cover in one of my groups- I haven’t really said a word as Kat in that group so I thought it would be a good place to start. I wasn’t planning on letting the world know about the two me’s but just this one place.

And then I opened an e-mail Friday morning and KABOOM landmine.

One of my sibs who barely gives me the time of day confronted me. I was accused of slandering his and his family’s name and reputation all over Facebook and of having been doing it for years. Simply put- my posts about my little family (me, husband, kids, grandkids) and how super close we were and my posts about how awesome my best friends are and a few general comments about wishing others were more supportive was taken as me insinuating that my sibs were not supportive (due to my omitting their names when mentioning my family or friends). According to the charges- those posts resulted in multiple extended family members contacting my sibs and sharing their uninformed and mistaken assumptions made out of thin air (because none of these people ever contacted me). Are you getting that? I was ordered by this sib to apologize and admit that I was to blame.

Uhm, the problem? I have never said a word about them. If I have said that I wished some family was more supportive- that’s pretty much what I said- “I wish some family was more supportive.” And as I looked through almost 4 years of Facebook posts (which is not as nostalgic, warm and fuzzy as you might think when you see every single thing….) I saw that I might have said something like that twice or possibly 3 times- and usually in  a response to a direct question. (And never referring directly to a family member by name or relationship- just general “some family” or even more vague- “some people”.)

First- I trusted the extended family in the sense that I thought these people were supportive of Kris and my family. I did not think anyone would take an omission and twist it into me claiming that my sibs weren’t supportive. Next, there was the tone of the e-mail. This was not a “let’s work this out” e-mail. I was already guilty and wasn’t going to get my say.

I asked who it was, I asked a lot of things, I got really upset because my sib automatically believed someone’s perception and blew this up into a major drama instead of simply asking me about it. I was told that sib needed to “respect the person(s) right to privacy”.  And so there was my next problem- there were people I could not trust on Facebook and I had no clue who it was.

If you are on the transgender journey yourself or with a loved one, you know how important things like trust and support are. You get so many crazy versions of these things that the suggestion that someone you thought was trustworthy is not is an issue.

And just like that, in the blink of an eye, my sib made Facebook an unsafe place for me. I did not know who was friend and who was not. And because my sib just DOES NOT GET IT, he doesn’t realize what he did. The responses to my e-mails were further attacks on my character by the remaining sibs supporting sib one. Just like that I was under siege and no one would listen to me. Worst of all was that my parents, who I thought might have been coming around, were included on all the e-mails and they have remained perfectly silent throughout this. I guess maybe they have not come around… Except that my mother called twice and left a message for me to call her. So, I guess she does support us….as long as no one knows about it. (Oh, yes, that’s what we are dealing with.)

While I was doing battle with my sibs, which actually consisted of each sib launching their carefully timed attacks in e-mail form one e-mail each, then sib one just started firing and firing and firing at me while the other sibs and parents remained silent on the sidelines watching. And they were out for blood. I’m still not sure what hurt more- the cruel attack by sib one or the silence of the other sibs and parents.

I proceeded to block every family member by blood or marriage (with the exception of my kids and husband) on Facebook so I could breathe and know that if I wanted to share 50 quotes about crappy families I could do so safely without fear of repercussions or people assuming they know who it is directed at or anything. It might seem like a drastic move but everyone is connected to everyone else and I didn’t know what else to do. How do I even go about finding out who I can trust?

Well, as I have been accepting the fact that I’m on my own here, I realized that it was darn good thing that I didn’t expose myself as Kat anywhere. Can you even imagine what would happen if the sibs found out about this blog? I would probably end up being sued.

I took that e-mail as a sign that perhaps I should stay under wraps for a while longer. Meanwhile cue the crickets as I sit here waiting for sibs to respond to my e-mail……

And they’re still really ticked off that I don’t see them as being supportive. (I’m serious.)

AND, I’m still not sure if I should have written and/or published this. Boo 😦

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17 thoughts on “It’s a Sign

  1. I am so sorry for you and the heartache your family has caused you. I pray that they can see how family ties are so important no matter if you have issues you disagree on! FAmilies are supposed to be there through thick and thin! UNCONDTIONAL LOVE is what should describe a family and I am so glad that at least your family with your husband and kids shows that unconditional love and are a blessing to each other! Know that you are supported here!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words! Needless to say I’ve experienced a variety of emotions over the past 6 days. I’m taking a big step back from all contact with those people for awhile.

      Like

  2. Kat, I’m so sorry that your blood family is behaving so badly. It’s not okay. But …the wonderful thing is that beyond your blood family, you also have access to one that is chosen. My best friend from HS (and still one of mine now) taught me about this. He is gay and came out during our college years. After college, I also spent a great deal of time working in LA’s West Hollywood. I met so many people who have had experiences similar to yours, and while extremely painful, they found comfort in their chosen family – those not related by blood, but whose support is second to none. You are doing right by your immediate family – the ones who matter. What’s that saying? Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind? Keep your chin up xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is where you find out who your true supporters are. You’re right that it’s a sign…a sign to let them go. I don’t know who it was that made up the rule that we’re not ever allowed to speak honestly about how crappy our “families” can be but I think they must have been an abuser because only people that have done wrong will mind you speaking the truth about them. Think about that for a minute. If your family truly felt that they have been supportive than they wouldn’t think your comments are about them and wouldn’t have gotten so bent out of shape about it. One of the best things I’ve read lately is that if people don’t like us telling the truth then they might want to treat us better so the truth is positive.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yeah, you’re probably right about that rule. And I do recognize these attacks for what they are- it’s their way of coping (or not coping) with the truth. I’m the perfect scapegoat. It makes me sad.

      What makes me MAD is that they have completely forgotten about Kris in all of this. Ya know, the one I’m fighting for? The one they love and support SO MUCH that he has not heard from them in any form in months, if not longer…

      There was a reason I was distancing myself from them. They reminded me of it with this attack.

      Like

  4. Kat, I ache for you. I’ve had an experience similar, and there are things that only siblings know for fear of repercussions. It’s a tight rope you walk. Our allegiance has to lie with our immediate family. Even when I comment I try to be vague. I understand. Keep breathing. Take care of you and yours. You’re doing the best you can.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “Our allegiance has to lie with our immediate family.”

      This struck me because it although it’s a no-brainer to me, I realized that they are expecting my allegiance to be with them- not my own. It became clear when I got an e-mail from one of them saying- “I just want all of us to be together…. ” and more along that vein. Obviously since they are all in agreement and I’m one person, it’s on me to just suck it up and be the bigger person and take my place where I belong.

      Meredith, thank you so much for your supportive words. I appreciate your friendship. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Sissa… You have a life long friend in me, as close or casual as you choose…

    And I am here as me. Charissa Grace White. Born 2013,legal 2015. I have been gone so long, since 1966,so I am never again gonna not be me.

    I stand with you, heart to heart… Made that choice long ago, and have hid nuttin! So however that can be helpful, I offer.

    In love, sisterhood and solidarity,
    Your Rissa

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You bring up a very important point there- there’s no straddling the fence when it comes to being there. Either you’re in or you’re out. I’m not sure that some people understand how important that part is. Kris is putting himself out there- sharing his real self with people- and their secret support is more hurtful than no support at all. There’s a reason I sometimes get “in your face” with all of this and I know I’m not the only one who feels this we. We do this because we want people to GET IT.

      And I know you are there, ‘Rissa. I feel you there all the time. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I am so so sorry. You have been through so much and thankfully, you have the support and love of your immediate family. It is too bad that you can’t be you especially with the ones who should know you best. Their response to anything posted on FB clearly screams, Thou doth protest too much – indicating they do feel some kind of responsibility for a possible lack of support and understanding. This is their stuff…. really. You are better off blocking and finding true friends who are supportive and caring about your family. You do not need to live in “fear” of snide remarks and temper tantrums with “family”. Those who want to amend their ways with you or be truly supportive, will find their way back into your life. They will do the work to show you that they do care. Otherwise, leave well enough alone and seek out those friends who do matter. Sorry… no easy solution. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This has been going on for too long. I’ve been trying to give them every chance to be in our lives but this is the last straw. I began feeling like a victim and I do not like that feeling at all. It made me mad. We have been through so much and then I’m going to let these snots take me down?? Nope.

      You are correct and those that really do want to be there with us will figure it out. I’m done trying to make this work. I need to focus on my family and friends who I love dearly and who have been amazing to Kris. 🙂

      Liked by 3 people

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