There are Days

We all have those days and I’m sure many others have written about them. Nothing I’m saying will be original or probably anything you haven’t thought yourself- regardless of what your life is like.

There are days when——-

I want to just be a mom with three boys who goes day to day doing everyday random things. Counting outlets so I can purchase enough outlet covers to baby-proof the house. Find a playpen. Organize my blogging calendar. (Organize my closet.)

I don’t want to know more about everything trans than anyone else I personally know.

I don’t want to give an opinion on “bathroom bills” or Caitlyn Jenner or the Duggars or anything that is trending in my newsfeed unless it’s that I can’t wait to see the new Disney movie because it looks too cute.

I would rather not have to decide what Jenner jokes are offensive and what to say about them.

And what do I let pass.

And how do I forget who posted it and not hold it against them.

And remind myself that not everyone knows that I have a trans kid. Then remind myself that it doesn’t matter.

I want to talk to whoever I run into and not have to remember if they know or not, evaluate the conversation, decide if I should say something or not…. I want to just talk.

I would like my siblings to be sisters and brother. For them to be great-aunts and great-uncle to my awesome beautiful grandsons. Aunts and uncle to my children.

There are days when I want to believe that Kris is fine. I want to believe that despite the signs that his anxiety is elevated that he had a nice time visiting his girlfriend for the last two weeks. I want to believe that his job search won’t stress him out big-time and that he will make some money before he leaves for college in the fall and that he will have money to bring with him. I want to believe that he will make friends again someday. That he will find true happiness with someone. That he will find his passion and live it. That he will experience parenthood. And I want to believe all of these things JUST BECAUSE.

But this isn’t one of those days. Those days were 4 years ago and I didn’t know that they would disappear over night. Don’t get me wrong. I still have those moments. Just not those days.

Sometimes I feel that little thought whispering in the back of my mind- “Wouldn’t it be nice…just for one day?”

Then I watch as Andy prints out something, looks at it and smiles. Ignoring me, he bounds up the stairs and I hear him say something to Kris in low tones and they both laugh. I’m pretty sure they aren’t laughing at me. Or who knows? Maybe they are. Either way, I love the closeness they share.

And I think about all the other times in the past week that my children have shown their love for each other in small ways. Jasmine reaching out to both Kris and Andrew when she’s busy with two small children. Michael checking in with Kris when he’s not around. CJ’s unconditional love for his uncles and baby brother.

And I know that it’s okay that those days are gone. My reality is more real. My family is tighter. And we are all stronger.

Besides…those days are totally overrated anyway.

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