Family · Gender

I’m Looking Through You

In her recent post  Blind Guides, Charissa, the writer of Charissa’s Grace Notes says-

“You’re so appalled at what my body is becoming you miss the becoming of my soul.

How unbecoming…how blind.”

On the surface, the words appear to be so simple. And then, as is often the case with Charissa’s words the enormity of those words packed a punch. It came out of the blue, from around the corner and stopped me dead in my tracks.

My son is transgender. Born in a female body, he identifies as male. It’s not a choice he made. He spent most of his life trying to explain to me what he was feeling. (It’s very difficult for a 2 year old to say much more than “I’m a boy!”)

Have you ever thought about how that would feel? To be trapped inside a body that does not fit you in any way? You can’t imagine it. TRY!! please 🙂

Imagine you woke up this morning and you were as much “you” as you ever were inside but your body was that of the opposite sex. Complete package. Guys, you were a fully blossomed woman complete with breasts and your period, oozing blood for a week once a month that you couldn’t stop. Ladies, you were this hairy guy with you know what dangling between your legs. Would you feel that you were any less “you” because of these things? Is that all it would take? This possibly temporary (or maybe not) transformation into the wrong body? And imagine how it would feel if everyone did not acknowledge “you”? If your entire identity and how everyone saw you was based on your parts? If some of your closest people were saying NO? If your relatives looked away when they saw you/couldn’t meet your eyes when you spoke/ACTED LIKE YOU DON’T EXIST?

Are you no longer you?

Now, transgender people do not wake up in the wrong body one morning. They don’t choose to be a different gender. They already are that gender when they are born. The only choice they make is their decision to adapt the body they have been given to represent who they truly are and that can include a vast variety of changes. It doesn’t always mean surgery or hormones or name changes…. It is whatever it takes for them to feel like themselves- a gift most of us were given at birth.

When they make that choice, they are doing something braver and scarier than anything most of us will ever face in our lives. They are exposing their true inner selves to us. They are sharing their most private being with us. They are more vulnerable than most people ever are because they are laying it all out there for us, their trusted loved ones, to see.

And all they want? The things so many people take for granted. To be loved and accepted as who they are. It’s that simple. And what makes me so mad and sad and a million other things that I can’t even express is that most of them will settle for being TOLERATED.

Well, guess what- my child has faced a lot and will face even more throughout the course of his life. What I find unacceptable is when people (and by people, I’m talking about f-word people- I can’t use that word with them because to me it’s something sacred. It’s a word I use for the people who love us unconditionally and stick with us through thick and thin….. and I do not use that f-word with people because of some chance blood connection. Blood is not thicker than water when it comes to that word because if it does, it just made that f-word that word that comes to your mind when you hear that.) who I thought did love my kid unconditionally, now tolerate him.

And by tolerate, I mean that IF they speak to him at all it’s with those stupid inane niceties that mean NOTHING- “Hi! How are you? How’s school? Your hair/shirt/shoes are cute” They mentally check their good deed off their list and send a mental note up to God- “See how supportive I was???” and they move on, blocking my kid from their mind. They don’t really look too closely at him because when they do they can only see the girl they thought he was.

And the ones who completely ignore him, avoiding him at all cost….they probably sneak glances at him out of the corner of their eye or from across the room, as if rubbernecking at an accident on the road. All they see is someone they can’t even acknowledge.

Now to themselves and each other they voice their love and support repeatedly- and it has to be repeatedly because they need to convince themselves that it’s true. But what’s true is that when my kid or that transgender person put themselves out there to their loved one, they really did want love and support and acceptance- not tolerance. And that loved one’s inability to see my kid- REALLY LOOK AT HIM AND SEE KRIS is not accepting, not supportive and not loving. It’s saying that they don’t accept him as himself. That they would prefer to have that messed up suicidal girl they used to know. That they don’t want to make the effort to find out who Kris really is. They look through him, if they look at him at all. And it hurts Kris, and by proxy me on Kris’s behalf, more than words can say.

So, Charissa’s words bring to my mind and heart this song. 

I’m looking through you,
Where did you go?
I thought I knew you,
What did I know?
You don’t look different, but you have changed
I’m looking through you, you’re not the same

I feel like I could keep editing this piece for days and not get it right. And by editing it, I feel like it will lose the parts that are coming directly from my heart.

Please take a moment or two to stop by Charissa’s blog- Charissa’s Grace Notes . Her poetry is moving, her words are powerful and her journey is amazing.

Thank you so much for stopping by and if you actually got to the end of this post, double, triple, quadruple thanks!!!


Family · Other · Words to Live By

What is Love?

Ronovan, over at Ronovan Writes, writes (I know—-awkward!) about love. And he asks-

What is your definition of love? Or, how have you demonstrated your definition of love before?

This got me thinking…..which actually gave me inspiration to write. Having experienced a dry spell, I was happy to give it a try!

Growing up, I loved listening to records. I know I’m dating myself but if you honestly don’t know what a record is, well, I’m not THAT old! In addition to playing my own records, I really enjoyed listening to my dad’s old 45’s. When Ronovan posed his question, an old song came immediately to mind. “What is Love?” by the Playmates, released in 1959 (before I was born…FYI).

It’s a silly cute song. My idea of love is NOT “5 feet of heaven in a ponytail” but the song does stir up feelings of love. My father shared his love of music with me and my siblings. While I believe my siblings enjoy music, it is an integral part of who I am and I think I passed that on to my children. But that’s not the point of this post. This is just me wandering off on a tangent…..

Love is…

– sitting at floor hockey, swim meets, plays, concerts, parades, contests to watch your kids… and being willing to do it all over again for their kids.

– keeping up on all the latest Disney news- not because the little kids love it but because your big kids do.

– going to see Cinderella with your 22 year old son because you know he really wants to see it very badly- the evidence being that he’s willing to be seen with his mom!

– missing an important meeting or cancelling plans because your child needs you.

– reaching out to and expressing love to an angry 5 year old who cannot communicate his feelings and stares at you in stony silence…..for months….waiting for him to believe.

– the incredible feeling when that angry 5 year old whispers, “I want us to be friends again” and kisses you on the cheek.

– being open to your 19 year old or 22 year old when they snap at you one minute and then start a conversation with you like nothing ever happened the next.

– looking at your grandson and seeing his daddy’s excitable personality shining through.

– being forced out of your comfort zone for years and despite wanting to crawl back into it, you stay out there because your kid needs you there and you can’t leave him to face it alone.

– swallowing the “I told you so” every time you think it (which is sometimes often.)

-savoring the “You were right” when you hear it (which isn’t as often as you might like.)

– going that extra mile for someone…..picking them up when they are tripping over their own feet and steadying them when you know they are going to stumble two steps later.

– sticking with someone when their tough times get tougher than you can handle. It’s buckling down, digging in your heels and staying despite the ugliness.

– trying to really understand what a person is going through when you don’t understand.

–  loving all the parts of a person. Not just the fun parts.

– is casting aside excuses and taking ACTION when you are needed.

– is being there- no excuses- just being there.

when your feelings for the person are greater than any fear you have of being hurt!!!


Some of those might seem like little things, but added up, they mean a lot.


Walking On Sunshine Blog Hop Party

Walking on Sunshine

I’m taking part in Hugh’s Walking on Sunshine Blog Hop Party. It’s very easy to join in and there is not much involved.  All you have to do is choose a fellow blogger and do what I am about to do below.

I would like to introduce you to Joy Morales  at Tellin’ it like it is….

I’ve been following Joy for awhile now. She is the mom of an energetic little girl and the author of Gratitude Journal. She writes about a large variety of items, including recipes, poetry and inspiration. Her Mindful and Meditative Monday posts always give me the boost I need to get my week started. 🙂 She is fun to read and fun to talk to. Her writing is very welcoming and warm. When I read her posts, it feels like she’s sitting across the table from me chatting over coffee.

You can visit her at Tellin’ it like it is… I hope you will stop by her blog and check it out!

If you would like to take part of Hugh’s Walking on Sunshine Blog Hop Party, here’s what you need to do.

1. Choose a fellow blogger who you think spreads blog love.

2. Write a short post about them.

3. Entitle your post Walking On Sunshine Blog Hop Party (so others can find your post).

4. Create a pingback to Hugh’s post, so that the link appears in the comments section, so that other participants can read your post.  Click here for details on how to create a pingback.

5. If you are not sure how to create a pingback, then copy and paste the link to your post in the comments section below (so that other participants can read your post).

You can mention as many bloggers as you want in your post and write as much about them as you want, but try to not make your post too long.  You can also use Hugh’s Walking On Sunshine Weekend photo in your post if you want to.

Challenges · Words to Live By

Rest, Nature, Books, Music


I think it’s so important to re-charge your batteries, so to say. I have started so many posts this week but none are publishable. Some are drafts that I will return to at a later date and improve upon. Others are lost somewhere in WPland, floating around aimlessly looking for a blog to land into. I’m empty, grasping at partially formed thoughts that I’m finding it hard to even put down into legible notes for later posts. I think I need a little rest, nature, books, music…… Of course, with a forecast of possible snow showers on the horizon, I can’t enjoy my books and music outside but if I’m able to accomplish 3 out of the 4, that’s not too bad! What do you do to rejuvenate yourself when you feel like your well is running a little dry?

writer's quote wednesday