When I saw this quote this morning, I really liked it. I still like it 5 hours later but sometimes I think wanting to fly has nothing to do with becoming a butterfly. I believe that there are times when you don’t even want to be a butterfly at all but you get shoved out of that cocoon. At least, that’s how I’m feeling today.
And if I’m being honest here, I’ve felt this way for awhile now. What do I want? I want to burrow deep down in my cocoon and hide from the world. Do you ever have times when everything just seems so hard but to the outside world your life appears to be very simple? That’s how I feel right now. On the surface and taken individually the happenings in my life right now seem to be of medium or just your average everyday stress level. Michael is starting a new chapter in his life- exciting new job training and a new baby on the horizon. Kris is playing the medication modification game while going to school and starting a new job. Andrew is 9 hours away, adjusting to being far away from us, celebrating his birthday alone. Jasmine is wiped out from being pregnant with what seems to be a very active and trying baby. My husband, Mr. K, is in the process of updating his resume as he begins to find a new job. And then there’s just like…my life,,,,ya know.
Kris might be the only one at high level but if you look at him or talk to him he seems to be okay. But remember- that’s a dirty word in my book- “SEEMS”. And maybe that’s it right there. I’m one of the only two or three people who realize how completely high level stress Kris is these days and how it will be getting worse before it gets better. And being Mom, I guess I feel it more than the others who move in and out of our day-to-day lives. I am in a constant state of worry with him. He is being weaned off his anxiety/OCD medication to try a new one and his depression med is not working as well as the other med levels drop. He has stopped his testosterone injections because of many issues and is silently letting time pass while he struggles with his other issues- anxiety/OCD/depression- and just not being able to say, “Hey! I stopped my shots! I need help!”
The good news-he will be switching to a gel which we can pick up tomorrow. I’m hoping that the 3 weeks off T won’t cause too much chaos to his hormones. I have to tell you though, they (insurance companies, drug companies and pharmacies) do not make it easy!!! We are able to get the gel for $10 but without a lot of legwork and persistence (thanks to DAD!) we would have been paying more like $400!
And a note about all of that with Kris. While I do realize he’s 21 and should speak up for himself, he takes after me in the respect that sometimes the anxiety get control and when that happens, I do nothing. I am frozen- not out of laziness or even by choice- simply by sheer and utter panic. If I hadn’t asked, I’m not sure how long he would have gone without testosterone. As a parent you walk this fine line of wanting to be there and help and having to stand back and let them figure it out on their own. If Kris wasn’t dealing with his entire body and mind being in a complete state of chaos, I would have stepped back and let him handle the T dilemma. But I really do think that there is some tie-in with the T issues and his other meds being messed up. When his psychiatrist said it was time to try a different anxiety medication, Kris was resistant because he knew it would mean months of being out of sync until the right dosage was found. It’s been a rocky few months for him and for me because I try to keep a close (from a discreet distance) eye on him at all times.
I find myself feeling a bit of resentment toward the assumption that I have nothing but time and energy on my hands to devote to extended family issues that’s being made by my apple cart friends. I’m not saying that the things I’m dealing with are bigger or worse or anything more than what they are. They just don’t know what’s going on in my life or if I have time for anything.
As my family- 7+1- are transitioning to new careers, schools and babies, I’m eager to see them fly. As for me, I’m afraid I’m not ready to fly just yet and if I’m not pushed out of my cocoon I will probably fall out. I’m really just hoping to find my wings before I hit the ground!