Found Boy

Writing 101, Day Thirteen: Serial Killer II

Earlier in the course, you wrote about losing something. Today, write about finding something. For your twist, view day four’s post and today’s post as installments in a series.

frozen

When I was processing the news that the child that I knew to be my daughter identified as a boy, it took awhile to sink in. I was mourning the loss of a daughter I wasn’t sure I ever really had and I was confronted with a son I didn’t know had been with me all along. For a short time, I lost sight of my child. I couldn’t recognize the person who was standing in front of me and it confused me. A LOT!

Then I took a deep breath and looked at Kris. Not his outward appearance, mind you. It would be months before I looked at him and only saw Kris. Part of me will always see a little bit of Kerri, lurking in the background. I scoured pictures of Kris as a young child. And I would see him, out of the blue. He would be wearing some piece of clothing that had belonged to his older brother and the expression on his face was one I would see repeatedly over the years but I would know what it meant. Now I knew. It was my son- calling out to me, not being able to find the words.

Although Kris lost the make up and some jewelry and hair stuff, the “real” Kris remained. Can I tell you a few things about my son? He loves music. He loves to sing and doesn’t care who hears him. He has a strong, true voice. He plays a fair amount of instruments in the clarinet family. He is an amazing writer and an expressive artist. As the pictures above show, he loves taking pictures. He has an affinity for animals that I have never seen with anyone else. Animals seem to flock to him. There’s this gentleness about him that they must sense. He loves learning about new things. He is intelligent and funny. He is kind and loving. He is loyal. He is brave. He fills our house with noise and chaos and it seems quite empty when he’s not here. And oh yeah, he loves all things Disney!

He has been all of these things all along. The sum of all of his parts is an amazing kid who I love more than anything! I may not have known that when I first found out about him, but it didn’t take me long to find him.

 

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7 thoughts on “Found Boy

  1. I like the way you went back and searched through all of your old photos looking for clues to see what you may have missed. I can imagine doing the same thing too. Are you happy with the way things unfolded or are you upset with yourself for not seeing this? It seems like it would have been very difficult to have identified in advance. I only ask this because I know how much blame/guilt we mothers like to load onto ourselves! 🙂

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    1. When Kris started telling us he was a boy at age 2, I honestly did not know that being transgender existed. This is actually a topic I’m going to be using for a post. 🙂 I think everything happens for a reason and we weren’t supposed to know about Kris until he was 18. All the early clues that I missed before, helped me to know that what he was saying was true. That doesn’t mean I didn’t go through major mom guilt!!

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  2. How wonderful! As his Mom, I can only imagine how discombobulating the transition must have been for you. We are always looking for permanence, aren’t we? And the universe keeps saying “Yah, I know you thought that was the way it would be, but well, no – it’s not that way anymore.” I think your post is inspirational – on so many levels!

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